Relationships & High Achieving Women of Color: Can We Have It All?

Let’s just be honest, and in the words of the incomparable Three 6 Mafia, “...it’s hard out here for a pimp.” As women, we are constantly working to align all parts of both our identity and roles in order to create a well-balanced and happy life. But if there’s one thing we know for sure, and one thing that Big Daddy Kane taught us, it’s that  “pimpin ain’t easy” and neither is the concept of truly having it all, especially when it come to dating and marriage among high achieving women.

A 2010 Psychology Today article entitled High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing or Not Chosen? Black SWANS (Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse) that I read challenged the more common practice to now feel forced to choose between having a career and finding love by confirming that while SWANS marry at the same rates as all other women, they do tend to do it a little later. However, for women of color there are some statistical differences. ”According to the 2009 Current Population Survey (CPS) of the U.S. Census nearly twice the percentage of black women (44.5%) as white women (24%) and Asian women (23%) have never been married. They also significantly outnumber never-married Latinas (32%)” (Young, 2010). These differences appear to specifically be related to things like gender gaps in income based on age, educational attainment rates, and the more common practice of wanting to date and marry within one’s own race. Thus, the question then remains, are our standard too high? Are we indeed too picky?

It is my belief that true love is about mutual support and sacrifice, an alignment of values, and compatibility. The loosening of the rigid checklists that we often hold as women can, at times, limit our available dating pool options and often pushes us towards the fulfillment of an image of love versus obtaining the real thing. Me having a PhD doesn’t automatically determine that my partner will need to have one also. Me working as a helping professional and educator doesn't mean that my partner can’t be a creative entrepreneur that doesn’t work a 9 - 5. The freedom in that type of love and the relationship that ensues is unmatched.

So if finding love is on your radar, consider taking a closer look at that list of requirements that you’ve secretly hidden in your nightstand drawer. Ask yourself if compatibility is at the core of what you truly desire in a partner. You’ve got the personal achievements and academic accolades handled, now it’s time to be happy and have it all. You’ve got this!

So what do you think, Ebonies:

Can we really have it all? Are we too picky? How do you balance making boss moves and maintaining your relationship(s)?